the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
