I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she smelled like a LAN party
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
