I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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