dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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