He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
