Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
