____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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