i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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