I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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