I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
And then my night got REAL pukey
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
