You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
