you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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