Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Alive.
So much puke
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
