Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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