i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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