Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
