can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
