My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
