Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
