$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
