I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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