I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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