So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
