Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
