so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
and you said cock pushups were impossible
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
