4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She announced her abortion via fbk
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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