So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
