I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
pop tarts are not kleenex
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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