I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
