Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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