Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I supernannyed him into submission
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