It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
