now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize