i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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