I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
