he wants to bone in the snuggie
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
