Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
