look no pants
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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