if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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