I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
as a side note pls kill me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
