I wish I could punch you in the face.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
