his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize