I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize