So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
