The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
