You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
