I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He passed out mid-signature
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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