Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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