I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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