When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
