Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
