So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
