Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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