i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
