Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just had sex on a roof
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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