Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
