1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
two words: eviction party
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize