She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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