I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
