Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize