just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
