Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
